Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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