I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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