i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
