She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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