tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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