then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Four minutes until I can fart!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
