You're so nebulous sometimes
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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