haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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