guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
