Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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