i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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