there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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