so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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