my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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