Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
