ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
