So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
