So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
