I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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