i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
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I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
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I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
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