Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
