I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
