how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
