This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
