i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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