a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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