i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
