my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
