2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
