yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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