No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
