If that was your dad, he is hot
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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