3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
