The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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