I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just found a bag of teeth...
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Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
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I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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