omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i dont even know how to be here
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
