my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
