i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
