my phone needs a breathalizer
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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