I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
