I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
