I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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