I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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