I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
