Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
