I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
