You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
