My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
