The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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