I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
