How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
