Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
