I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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