My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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