If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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