i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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