Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
