Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize