Just took my morning after pill in the library
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think I sprained my soul last night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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