I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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