This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if i died would you start the facebook group?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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