In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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